Agnes Cecelia Kozlowski
— an autobiographical memoir

[Early days in the orphanage]

God's Eyes on Me.

 p11   1939 During the summer of July 1939, Nuns have been collecting from an orphanage in New Jersey. They had the granted permission from the priest from the parish to go to all the Polish parishners. Friday afternoon as I have been scrubbing the floor which was wooden in the candy store, these two nuns walked in. They asked to speak to some one older. At the time I was under a round table, and did move mighty fast. I called the women to the store to attend to the Sisters, she answered she heard the bell ring when the door opened, and off she went onto the nuns. I stayed in the kitchen while they talked and before I knew it the women called me into the room. I have been scared stiff, since I had an old black long dress on dirty to that and wet. I walked in and greeted them the way we have been taught in school with respect. They talked together after finding out how old I have been and what was my name, I was dismissed and did I go out fast. The thing that I heard them say was she can go but the older one has to stay here and work. In the evening those same Nuns returned. Something was up. . . . . They spoke to my father and he shook his head a few times yes. The following day I have been taken to town, what was going on a new dress, slip, shoes, socks, ribbons for my braids, underwear, and a paper valise. I came home as if I was going to a party. The next morning about ten, the Nuns arrived to the house  p12 It was a beauti­ful Saturday morning, I have been washed and dressed up waiting for something great to happen. My father answered the door and said that I was all Ready. He didnt say much to me that morning but looked for some time as if to say you wont be mine any more you are leaving. The Sisters waited a while in the store while my sister and brother carried my things out to them, they were instructed to take it to the car. Dad cried so did Al, Blanche and Joey, seeing them in tears I started also, not knowing where was I going I just was happy I had pretty things to wear now. The old lady gave me her picture and I held on to it tightly. The nuns said I was going with them in the car and later dad would come to see me. The word orphanage was out completely from the conversion. Dad wanted to put us in one orphanage in Del[aware] but we begged him to keep us home with him. I said good buy and off to the the car I went. A gentlemen drove and his wife sat in front, the nuns sat in the back with me between them. We drove for about two hours I dare not say a word to any one of them or even make a move. During that time I questioned myself where are they taking me for such a long ride, why didnt my sister Blanche come along with me too? Since the mission of the Nuns was collecting financial aid as well as food stuff some one gave them a live chicken, so they placed it on the floor near my feet. The younger sister would ask me something and I responded very timidly and short. In about an hour my feet felt cramped and warm but an un natural warmth. I looked to one side of me, she was the old one the other is the younger one should I tell her about my feet? Courage. I did. Sister Eleanor God rest her soul picked up the chicken and Lord and behold she laid an egg. Well we all laughed and had a story to tell to the others. Crossing the ferry at Philadelphia frightened me when I saw the water I knew it was all planned to take me away from home so far never to see my family. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I couldnt say a word or ever as much as ask where was I going? In about two miles from the ferry the trip seemed as if it would never end. So on we drove. The Nuns noticed that I have been crying and told me not to be afraid that I would be happy with all the other girls that I will live with, now I knew an orphanage was going to be my home.

 p13  As we neared the city of Perth Amboy the Sisters convent stood hight on a hill that over looked other little towns. One pointed out that I would live up in that big building from now on. I coudnt see a blessed thing since my eyes have been all cried up. In about fifteen minutes we made a turn and as we did a huge iron gate was before us closed. Those gates were supported on cement pillars which in turn were covered at the base with thick hedges which were high also. They pointed out once again that this was going to be my home from now on. That was enough to make me die on the spot. I was a wild kid and how could I ever get through those hight iron walls and gates. How Could I run back home when Im so far away I dont know the way, we had to cross the river in the first place. We drove up a winding road and as we stopped at the top, a good number of girls have been around, some were scrubbing steps outside. Others were rinsing them down while others changed the dirty water, all had something to do. In a minute a pile of kids all sizes ran out to greet the Sisters and welcomes them home. They were away for two weeks. I have been taken by the hand and led to the front entrance with the guest drivers. The Sister Superior walked out and hugged me, assuring me that Ill like this place, she was the one that gave me permission to be brought here in the first place. I just couldnt stop the tears I just had to get out of this orphanage with all these kids around locked up not one dared to run away.

We were taken to the little chapel for I thought it was a church it looked like one but small. When we went out I still had the falls running full power ahead. The good Superior asked me why am I crying? I didnt know what to say I wanted to get out or run away from this place, was what filled my mind. I know I couldnt tell her. So I replied "I'm happy I came here to you". Twenty years later that was repeated to me, by the same Superior. In a few minutes the same two Sisters that brought me to this prison came out with a different head dress, why did they change so fast. Later I found out that due to the heat they couldnt bear the heat in what they had on now. Where was I being taken now, no further than on the other side of the house what they called the childrens quaters, "orphanage". Oh how I hated that name, a place where they beat up children when they are bad.  p14 Taken by the hand and led to the quaters where all the other children have been gathered, there I met the nun in charge who was stern and old. As the Superior and I walked in, all heads turned to our direction and tears still rolling down to the floor, then left in charge of the orphan schedule from that moment on. The first thing said was stop your crying every one else is just like you without parents. . . . . . In a few hours every one knew your story of becoming an orphan, and where did you come from. I had my things unpacked and the picture thrown out to be burned of Mrs. Babinski. She was a mean person and very backward and the nuns heard quiet a bit of her surroundings so to break up memories for me the picture was destroyed. The term they gave her was a "Witch". Well the evening came along and as a rule all the children had to kneel down and say their night prayers which lasted for about fifteen minutes. After prayer time I was told to remain down stairs, so I obeyed. When all were out of sight the nun Sister Amalia untied my bows and unbreaded my hair she looked through my hair and reached for the scissors, so off went the long braides & friend and the ribbons into a basket to be burned. This all took place of coming to the orphanage in the Last week of August for the following week I had been taken to school to be registered. I didnt know this wasnt a polish teaching place I just answered some questions that the Sisters asked. The following week was the opening of school. The night before we all lined up on a varenda and were measured to get a white blouse and a navy blue jumper, it felt funny to get dressed up to be all alike in such a group. The pencil and pad were picked up before they left the house. I was to go to the fourth grade, I had a companion so that wasnt too bad she sort of was my body guard. Then as time went out and other orphans came to the place we were four in one class, and one was very bright.

What Consisted of the routine? We were to rise early I believe about 5:45 make your own bed after you have gotten washed, by the way there was only one small sink and one tub in the bath, so every one had to hurry, since twelve had to reach it before you were called for prayers and breakfast. The older girls have been responsible for different charges and to have the floors mopped, dust done and the youngsters up and dressed that were pre school age, one to five.

 p15  As I recall when I came to the orphanage there were 27 of the girls, all ages, some were in high school. We all ate at a long table with one long bench on each side, and your assigned place. The little tots had their own table, althought they had to be fed by the others in charge of them, wash them and make sure they were in bed before you left for school for the afternoon session. Then you had to get yourself to school on time. We all had to march, as in the army. You lined up indoors and the sister in charge would give you an inspection, many a times the bigger girls were called up stairs to fulfill their obligations that were done to suit the mistress, so to get undressed from your uniform and get the mop and to work. Girls would put up a fight and cry for they knew what was the scoop, just to get even with them in one way or another. Some scenes were really pittiful how beaten up the children got from the nun in charge, of orphans.

In school I sat very quiet since it was all new to me before I had polish and now every subject American. The first day after roll call the bell sounded to say prayers, I have been accustomed to say them in polish and all of a sudden I listened and to my surprise I had to pick this up fast. Things certainly did change for me. Since I havent made my First Holy Communion till ten yrs old so this years was going to be when I was going to receive. In the polish parishes they didnt take any one before that age. I had to sit in with the first and second graders for instructions, and learn the catechism to be able to respond when I have been called upon. So months went on, and May 30 arrived that big day, I was very happy and overjoyed as all other youngsters were. The out-fit was bought by the Sisters and the shoes. This big day was on a Saturday morning⁠a and a beauti­ful sunny day at that. The following day my sisters and brothers have come to pay me a visit since I have written to them, they came with gifts also since I didnt see them for eight months. Before being permitted to go you heard a sermon not to tell anything what happens in this place so that sealed my lips. I would do anything to tell them to take me out but a nun was right at your heels, sort of entertaining the family at the same time. I wanted to get out for I wasnt used to live such a life, cut out pattern to every second . . .

Agnes Kozlowski, on the day of her First Communion, May 30, 1938 with her brother Albert and her sister Blanche. The building in the background is St. James School, in Wilmington.

 p16  I can recall when my sister Leona asked if I wanted anything I just wept and couldnt say another word. So they left and I in tears along with them, Dad gave the nuns permission to take me here so little could be done to get me out of this mess. So the first school year passed, and I made out good in studies since the report cards showed that. But what was the greatest thing we had three teachers in the ten months. It wasnt due that the children have been bad something else on the other end "Religious trouble perhaps". One Sister would play games with the class, I dont know if she didnt know how to teach or she didnt know the material herself. One day while playing a game the principal walked into the class to deliver a message. We have been all mixed up in some one elses desk, while one child had to be picked and then placed in the cloak room where the coats hung. The principal must have noticed some thing was up for no one had a book on their desk I dont even think the teacher did, before the class knew it in a month we had a new teacher, a Sister Frances. She got down to brass tacks and did we study; Naturally I made the exams, and on to the fifth grade. One of the other orphan girls stayed back. During the summer months we had to help to keep the lawns clean and trimmed, and the plants had to be waterd daily. The pump was a hand one and we took turns filling up the buckets for those that carried them. With that, songs and poems had to be memorised for guest entertainment.

Grade five was a hard one for me to catch on to fractions and the new covered material which was required. I think in that room Sister Josephus had fun decorating up my report card with the blue and red ink for arithmetic, when the year was up the card looked some what like an American flag, red, white, and blue. That wasnt all how many beatings did I get for those red marks, I couldnt count them but I still have the report cards that I will keep for proof. Yes an orphanage was a place where they beat up children I certainly received my share since I wasnt an angel by no means. The children that had been on honor roll received from the Superior medals or some holy little statue or framed picture. I never got one. My days were getting worse all the time and the day when I marched in line and came home with a 63 in Arithmetic.

 p17  When I have been called out to get it from the pastor since he gave them out I walked back and began to cry since I did try my very best for the past month, it just didnt work. When we came home the nun in charge, of us asked for the reports. She took them up then to the Superior for signature and would be returned the next few hours or so. Usually the same evening. l received my lecture about bringing shame to the home why cant I do better and get the red off for the following month. I promised I would try even harder. When I handed in the card and two other with me had red marks they were in for the same no doubt. While others have been out-side doing gardening the three of us have been called to come up to the third floor. The other girls were Stella and Rosemary, including myself. We marched up very quietly for we knew something was going to happen and happen fast. The door was closed behind us and the report cards in the nuns hands, she told us that maybe this will help us to study better from now on. By the way we were in a dormitory. Stella was the first victim she was pushed into a bath room, and the door shut when she was in there with the nun. She was told to lay across the toilet seat and pick up her dress, in a second yelling and pleads could be heard she was getting a beating. In a few seconds I was told to come in after she went down stairs to the second floor to wait for me. When I saw the black rubber garden hose in the Nuns hand I practically fell dead. "Bend over the seat and pick up your dress", that I did, and the nun pulled down the panties, with anger and words the hose came down over my buttocks about eight times. I screemed and yelled that I would try to learn, I was let out of the bath, marched to the second floor dormitory to wait for the end of the act, The third one got the same treatment. She came down with the sister, we were told not to dare to say one word what happened to us or even mention it among ourselves.⁠b And then to proceed with pulling out weeds in the garden where we have been assigned to work. That evening we couldnt sit, during supper we tried to balance our weight on our feet as much as possible. That evening when we have gone up to bed we managed to get in the bath together and close the door and we looked at each others backs, how many black and blue marks we had on our bodies. Some one was coming so off to bed.

 p18  During the night I laid on my stomach and when time came to get up I couldnt move with out pain, I presume the others felt the same as I did. We did our chores and got dressed for school, but one thing passed my mind how am I going to be able to sit all day in school it hurts so darn much. We couldnt explain this to the teacher or we would get another beating, so off we marched for the day. The first hour wasnt bad once I got just so set in one place but when we had to get up for spelling around the room or go to the board, and then come and sit down, how am I going to do it. When I did return from the board I supported myself by leaning on my hands and elevating my buttocks from the seat from the pressure. Sister noticed it after some time, and came over to me asking what is the matter do I have to go to the bath room, I told her no. Two days of torture was a good bit to bear in school, after those days it sort of stopped hurting. I tried to study harder and I did make the grade in June I received the card stating you are promoted to the Sixth grade.

This year I must have gained a bit more knowledge or it was easier subjects for all my marks have been satisfactory. One of the girls has been sent out to do housework a certain individual and she would leave after school and return to the orphanage about eight oclock, I heard she was working and didnt like the place By now I have been twelve years old and have been trained to do neat work at all time Well after some time I have been picked to work for this Miss Urban who's Uncle been a Monsignor in one of the parishes years back, and did a good deal for the Nuns when they have been in need. So after school I would hand my books to one of the other children and I would proceed to Dunham Place at Woodbridge, N. J. It was a good mile walk from school, but I didnt mind I was out of the orphanage for at least a few hours. There I did the house cleaning, washing and the cooking, ironing also fell in line. As I had to hurry home during the evenings from her place it was a distance of about one mile and a half so something was going to be done about it, as she asked me if I would like to live with her. I answered you have to ask the Sister Superior about that, I didnt have anything to say at any time, that is how we were trained never to state our opinion to others keep it to yourself and the nuns would lead you in life.

---

Thayer's Notes:

a May 30, 1938 was a Monday. It was a Saturday in 1936, when Agnes was not quite 9, and would only fall on a Saturday again in 1942, when she was nearly 15.

b Up to this point in the account, we might just see in this beating an over-zealous idea of correction, with only unconscious sadism — although the clearly premeditated use of a rubber garden hose, not something we keep indoors or in a bathroom, already points to something worse: for any innocents out there, it is possible to beat someone severely with a rubber hose while not leaving evidence of torture —

but those of us who have been subjected to physical or sexual abuse will recognize the clincher: Don't you dare breathe a word of this to anyone. The perpetrator knew full well this was not a punishment, but abuse.

Agnes will come back to the theme of sadism and abuse: on p24, along with other details of sadistic practices at the orphanage, we will read her intelligent, perceptive comment, half a century and more ahead of her time: "Many times I thought what would the Goverment do about that institution if it was reported."

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