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Part 4

This webpage reproduces a part of
an autobiographical memoir
by
Agnes Cecelia Kozlowski

The text is © Agnes Kozlowski Nutter
and reproduced by permission

This page has been carefully proofread
and I believe it to be free of errors.

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Part 6

Agnes Cecelia Kozlowski
— an autobiographical memoir

[Postulant and novice in a religious order]

 p28  July came the first week and I was going to cross the step that separaterd the cloister from the orphans living quaters. That Sunday July 12,⁠a I went to Mass came home and was looking through my little things that I owned that have been placed in a drawer in the long table down stairs where we ate. In fact those drawers were searched from time to time by the nun in charge to pick out the pieces of bread that had been slipped in with bacon lard, that was given to us for breakfast with hot cocoa. The big pieces of bread and the thick lard spread attracted roaches and they had their meals. So many times we found things thrown on the table and then you had to find a good answer as to where you got this or that thing. So as I packed the little things back into the drawer the other nun came out Superior to tell me that at two oclock I will go on the Sisters side. I knew what it was like for we girls would go to scrub the floors and wax them for the sisters. I got butterflies in my stomach. I put on a nice yellow dress that had red applicaded apples at the bottom with a red sash. Two oclock that door opened and what was I doing, was it the right thing for me to cross that cemented gray painted step . . . Texas. . . . . As I went, one of the nuns were in the kitchen Sr. Veronica nibbling on something, she got a little excited, as the nuns walked around with out their veils on in the cloisture. Sister Superior told me to greet her and said I would be amongst them from now on. Since I spent many hours down the cellar washing pots and scrapping them out and eating what the sisters used to have for their meals kept me drawn to that kitchen. Sister Beata was there she wasnt more than a four foot nun and attractive. She would slip a banana into our hands after we even washed her tile (blocked) stone floor on Sat. There I stayed for the rest of the afternoon helping to prepare supper and kidding around. I picked her up by the collar with one hand, years back she still reminded me about that day. I didnt feel too lost since we had close contact with all the nuns in one way or another. Sister Eleanor used to ask for me to go and clean the Hungarian church with her on Saturdays. Sr. Louise kept me in the kitchen [chicken?] coop to white wash them and clean them up for her. Sr. Beata to wash the pots in the kitchen Sr. Superior to work in the garden with her. Sr. Marcella to dust her rugs and help to carry heavy things or to get them for her. Sr. Edmunda kept me for her assistant  p29 when we have been permitted to go collecting in the near by cities from time to time. One day as a postulant and doing house hold chores and it was a Sunday I have been sent up stairs to get a big bowl of butter from the refrigerator. I had a pair of shoes that some one brought as a donation, worn by an individual. I needed shoes and asked for them. On the first step my foot gave way and down a flight of cellar stairs, bowl, butter and all. I had been wearing glasses ever since I have been seven yrs old so what was going to happen after I landed. The bowl was smashed since it was a cemented floor, the butter still in one of formed piece, my glasses on my face and my feet up against the wall. The whole house heard the rumble, and poor sister Beata, Why didnt she go up to get what she wanted for the kitchen instead of sending me, when Im still not used to the stairs. The poor nun cried when they picked me up knocked out for a few seconds. Nothing happened but a scrapped elbow. To keep tension from my system, a dish of ice cream was a treat for me. I certainly did enjoy it. Once a month we got ice cream while an company near by made the donation on every first Sunday. Some one was appointed to go and ask for it while waiting for the men to pack it, they would give the two girls an ice cream sandwitch to enjoy. Every one wanted to go just to have an extra piece.

The summer months have passed and I had to make up my mind where was I going to continue my education. During that time the girls that have completed Night School have left the orphanage and what talk was going on. "The nuns held it against them that we have given them an education and paid their way through and now they are leaving, we though they will become nuns. Thats gratitude" I heard it a few times brought up, so I wasnt sure if I wanted to become a nun either, so I will have to go to Vocational School and no one will have to pay since that is a County school. So I decited to go in for Dressmaking, and that I did. Have graduated in a year and a half since I have tried very hard to be a star pupil and come in with excellent points.

Before I left for school I had to feed the pigs and chickens daily. One had to wash potatoes and make sure they were cooked a night before and the bread was soaked for the kitchens [chickens?]. The garbage had to be saved also for the kitchens [chickens?] and that had to be my job as a postulant.

 p30  Winter came it was it hard to get to the pens, and how cold your fingers would get but no one else would attend to the animals since that was your job. The pigs pens had to be washed down since they were below the chickens and next to the garage, where the cars were. Those six month have passed and in February I was going to get the Postulants habit, till now I was dressed in civilian clothes. During that period of wearing civilian clothes and going to school one had to try to be dressed nice. So one afternoon I went through one of the trunks that have been upstairs in the attic with one of the other sisters. In there I saw the sweathers that the children had received from guest for christmas and were taken away and placed in this trunk. I didnt think anything wrong in taking three of them and put them to use. So I did. One day as I have been ready to go to school one of the bigger girls noticed that I had on this aqua sweater and asked where I got it from. I told her not to worry it wasnt hers little did I know, That was the one she got as her christmas gift, so I went to Superior and asked for the sweater and she gave me permission to wear it. Later on I found out those things were put away so the children wouldnt wear them and ruin them. . .

Some misunderstanding came up as I was going to receive my postulant habit on my Feast day January 21 St Agnes.⁠b In the meantime one of the girls that had been in the orphanage left and was living with her aunt in Newark and since her older sister entered the order she was talked into entering also, So things just jumbled up entirely. I had to wait till she made up her mind what day she was going to come in. She came allright and had preference, right along in the orphanage she was a big pet and squeeled on others to save her own hands from work. The three sisters are nuns today all together in the same community. They had it good right along since they had pretty features no one else had.⁠c They got away with murder and one still does. So when she came she was made senior. February 5th was the day when the dresses were blessed and we have been called from now on "Sister". Pleasant days came and went along with the bitter ones. Now we had to attend prayers with the other nuns, get up on the sound of the bell. One day I was just so tired and exhaused I pretended not to hear the bell Sister Blanche who slept in the same room called and I didnt answer. So she said if you want to sleep I dont care sleep. Im going down for prayers, and she left.

 p31  I turned over and fell back to a sound sleep. The nuns all had meditation, went to Mass and returned home. The bell rung for breakfast; that woke me up, I jumped up and dressed in a hurry. Ran down stairs and went to the Superior and knelt down in front of her, kissed her hand and asked for penance for not getting up. The penance was usually to say a prayer. It was humiliating; That never happened again. Then as the month elapsed and six months was the prescribed time for postulancy, and retreat was coming an exception was made for us two we just had five months of postulancy. Then to take the habit and receive your convent name and be enclosed in the Novitiate for a year. During retreat I was shaking like a leaf wondering if this is my life but went on with the ceremonies. The novitiate was a time for prayer, meditation, religious instruction and conferrences, etc. very little did we receive as far as the spiritual background was concerned. We Novices two in all had other things at hand to do. The forest had to be cleaned up, trees had to be cut down and sawed and the fire wood brought in for the winter supply. We held classes with religion that was memorised in polish and couldnt explain anything if asked. Then the constitution⁠d was read, no deep explaining done. Polish history and geography lectures, and grammer and that was all polish. That took up the morning cession. At about aleven one went to cook dinner, while the other one cleaned up the house. The Mistress who was the same nun that was in charge of us when in the orphanage was going to rear us on in life. She liked the other nun as she did make distinctions even in the Novitiate, she would keep her inside to sew habits while I had to go to do the forest work alone. Or she would sew pillows for gifts for benefactors while I have been working on the farm cutting down corn or piling up the bails of hay in the barns. The other nuns that have been in the novitiate got the same deal, they might have had it even worse they were the beginners. Some of the stories make your hair stand on edge. Religious Life. ??? We got into the Novitiate on the 2 of July that was a day for investuture, The family came and they cried as I have taken my habit since I havent lived and been with them for years. I understand that my God mother from Baptism wrote to me one day and asked if I wanted to live with her after I graduated from the eight grade. I never saw the letter it wasnt forwarded to me by the nuns in the orphanage.

 p32  For the schedule in the Novitiate that so many dont know what happens in those sealed walls to the world. We had to get up very early. The alarm would go off and the Sister Mistress would praise Christ we had to respond. Then while she went to get washed we had to continue with the Little Office that had to be said, the Mistress started and we responded, since we didnt know it by heart we would grab our prayer books and with one hand try to put on our stockings and shoes, and with the other hold the prayer book open to be able to read. This took about a good month to get the act of the Office. Then when the Mistress came out she would continue and one of us went to get washed. The beds also had to be made while we were continuing to dress. When dressed, and beds made already we went to the Mistress' room where she slept and knelt down on the bare floor, no kneelers at that time. We said prayers, we had weeks leading and the prayer book was used. During meditation the mistress would read the points, a paragraph or so and would stop, in that time we would reconsider the points. When all nice and quiet automatically ones eyes would close and you would begin to sway back and forth. You would get a poke or hear your named called, to stop sleeping. We were told to sit down so chairs were used some times or you just sat on the floor, for twenty minutes. Then after 45 minutes of prayers to march to church. We had to go through the forest for an quater of a mile. During spring and summer it was a pleasure to walk in the dew and see the wild animals run to and fro. But when winter came to plow throught the snow heavy habit that weighed five pounds in itself, winter shawl, rubbers, and a lantern or the milk can to carry which contained two quarts of milk on the way back. On Sunday we had to replace the Nuns that have gone off to the parishes for collections for a Old Aged home for the Diocese in camden. Then we helped the old women to get dressed and walked them to the chapel that were able to get to Mass. After Mass stay for a few hours to feed them and get them comfortable for the day or till the others came home. Since we didnt have a variety to eat, on the way home we would go to the chicken coop and take a chicken or rooster, a dozen of eggs from the nests, and off to the Novitiate. The farm was the same order of nuns and they were to help provide the food for the Novices but you didnt get it so the young ones had to steal what they could when no one was around and walk off.

 p33  November was the Feast Day for our mistress, and we couldnt go out to buy a few vegetables or fruits, so what was the day going to be like. The evening before the telephone rang and some one was asked to come to give a helping hand with the cows since two of the other sisters had to go some where and no one would be there to milk the animals. So I was told the folloing day to go for the afternoon and help around. In the mean time when I told the Sister from the kitchen our problem about tomorrows feast day, she made sure I had a large can of grapefruit juice and grandbury sauce. I made sure I didnt leave with out them. So as I passed the barns I walked into the chicken coop, took the wire loop and caught a large hen, placed it in a potato sack and off I went as fast as possible. Coming up through the forest path I though that it wouldnt work to walk into the house with the grapefruit and cranbury cans, so I decided to leave them near a near-by tree and when it was dark I would go and bring them in, in order to have them in the frig. I made way to the coop with out trouble. Seven oclock I went outside to pick up the cans. I couldnt figure out what happened I was possitively sure they were set near the tree closest to the water line bridge. They just werent there. I looked for about ten minutes thinking they perhaps rolled. No juice for breakfast. I went back in and thought what could have happened. The next day as we fried some eggs, and set the table with a table cloth and got a few holy pictures placed on the dish, breakfast was about to be served. I reached for the bell, and the Mistress looked at me and asked where is the juice . . . I swallowed and said I didnt know what happened to the can. She laughed and said its in the cuboard. She must have seen me pla­cing it near the tree and when I have been busy with something else she must have picked it up and brought it in. I never asked what happened. The chicken was delicious in spite it was taken in that manner. As I said during the afternoons we had work in the forest or on the road cutting down the tall weeds that led to our Novitiate. The mistress who lived with her stories on the radio of Stella Dallas, Her Second Husband, Out of the Darkness into the Light were listen to daily.⁠e Naturally ironing was done or handiwork sewing, just not to sit idle. Well one day I had terrible cramps and didnt know what to do so I went to the bath room and had a good movement. There werent any disinfectents on hand the foul air passed through to the room which was only separated by the closed door.  p34 As I sat in the bath for a few minutes ashamed to come out, and waited to flush the water again, to make sure the odor at least deminished. I came out and the Mistress said "Dont you have enough inteligence not to smell up the whole house and when Im in here listening to the radio." I couldnt speak a word but "sorry Sister." From that time on we had to take care of natures course in the forest behind the larger trees. That was only us two novices. Then one evening as we were supposed to be sleeping at ten the phone rang. Mistress got up and began questioning the other side. "Is she going to come tomorrow? How old is she, how long has she been in the other place, what is her name going to be, what time will she be brought here?? We dare not make a move in bed. The telephone was put down, The next day orders to rake around the front of the house make sure the garages are all in order and to get cleaned up in our better habits before three oclock. It was all done. We sat in the house and a car drove up with Sister Superior in with three other nuns. One was completely unknown to us. She must be the one who is going to be with us as novices we said in a half tone whisper. Sure enough when she came in a nun about 40 spent over 20 years in the Nazareth Community and was in the second choir of nuns just for manual labor, so she had to get releaved from it some how. With a special dispensation of transfers she came to us. She was the same age as the Mistress and must have had a great deal of courage to be placed back in a Novitiate as cannon Laws requires such steps for religious. She had to work in the forest also, no distinction between her and us two young ones. She was a good soul she kept her name a Sister Salomea (Or was it Kamilla) Yes it was changed from Kamilla since I recall she had to remove all her name tapes from her clothing that was given to her while at the Nazareth Convent.

One day I was told to go to the attic to get something from the closed that stood against one of the walls. I went to fulfill the order, as I was looking I knocked over a bottle of a very strong disinfectent and it dripped down on the wall paper to the first floor (my misfortune). I went to admit and ask for penance what happened. The Mistress was so provoked she told me to get out and dont come back. I looked at her and cried to think she is ordering me to get out for a crazy bottle now broken.  p35 I admitted that I didnt want to do it when I turned I knocked it over and it broke. Get out I said, . . . and off I went in tears. But where was I going to go I'm a novice. I thought for a few moments what am I going to do, so I started down the road crying my heart out. It was about an eight of a mile to the main road where trucks passed from the farm lands. Which way was it best to turn? She told me to get out, I reached the main road and stood there for about an hour. Should I really run away was this my chance, she doesnt like me any how, . . . . no, I'm going back to tell her Im sorry. I did come back but didnt go to say I was sorry I just asked for penance I had to say five prayers, Five Our Father, five Hail Mary's, five Glories, and the Creed. . . . with my hands uplifted in a form of a cross. I didnt feel natural from that day on. But little did it matter since in two month were going out to one of the other convents. I think I said more prayers there than I would ever say in all my life. for any little thing five prayers penance . . . and I cried during every one that I had to say, another nun had to be a good samaritan and help you out with responses.

One day while working on the road patching up the holes we have removed our veils, since they would just be filthy from the dust and dirt from the road. One of the sisters shouted that a car was coming down the road and I wanted to turn and run for my veil not realizing that I was next to the tree. And smack I went into it. I sat down, and held my head, the others thought that I had broken my glasses and got the glass in my eyes. They helped me up and got me into the truck, to see what was the matter. When I goto I took my hand away from my face and oh boy a nice big shinner the glasses were all out of shape, but not broken. Mistress didnt have anything to say since I have been swollen on the fore head and bruised.

While duing manual labor of sawing down tall trees and then cutting them to smaller pieces so that we could hawl them for the winter supply, I have been worked and very exhausted. One afternoon I have been very ill afraid to say anything, since it was time we learned how to bear pain. The Mistress was going to town or some where and I couldnt stand the pains any longer in my abdomen so I told her, she laughed and told me to continue my work and the pains would go away. I sat down on the little step that led to the kitchen and practically crawled like a worm, nothing to releave it.  p36 Was that the right attitude to help young girls that get cramps due to no cause of their own and say it is time you learned how to suffer we all have the same to go through in life. I have been very very happy to get out of the Novitiate that year since it wasnt a spiritual background to make us good religious or was it just me that took and picked the wrong profession in life. Was I ever going to make a good religious. Some of the other nuns thought I was a good nun but I always doubted it myself.

Thayer's Notes:

a July 12 was a Sunday in 1942, when she was 15.

[decorative delimiter]

b The feast of St. Agnes the Roman martyr is indeed January 21; but I have long suspected that Agnes was given her name in honor of St. Agnes the queen of Bohemia, long venerated in southern Poland where Agnes' parents were from, beatified in 1874 and ultimately canonized by Pope St. John Paul II in 1989: the feast of St. Agnes of Bohemia is March 2, and year after year I never failed to suggest to Agnes her "true" feast day, and I even occasionally celebrated it for her.

[decorative delimiter]

c Sr. Mary Augustine was in fact a pretty young woman, a few years later at least.

[decorative delimiter]

d I strongly suspect that not the Constitution of the United States, but the Constitution of the religious order is meant.

[decorative delimiter]

e "Stella Dallas" was a radio soap opera that ran from 1938 to 1955. I've been unable to find any record whatsoever of "Out of the Darkness into the Light"; and "Her Second Husband", as far as I can tell, seems only to have been the name of a 1917 feature film, not any kind of radio program that would have been listened to on a recurring basis in the time period remembered by Agnes. That said, she was there and I was not, so for now I'll call the matter unsolved: for one, she may have misremembered the exact titles.

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