Monday. Spring tests and the war in Europe are continuing. Both something rising to new heights in frightfulness. Today we did leap the long horse which I was untruthfully told was just a mental hazard. And we did also climb the rope. As I have wisely been letting my toenails grow for several weeks, I succeeded in climbing to the top. My other wife became horribly involved •about eight feet off the floor and was strangling slowly when the assistant gym instructor cut him down.
Tuesday. Today we had a lab period in levels. My other wife went about telling people that he thought a level was something people were on, and then screaming with laughter. Finally three people in succession hit him and he stopped. However, I suppose one should not be too hard on him; he is making progress, this being the fourth original thought he has produced since I have known him. The instruments must have been out of adjustment, for we lost •two hundred feet of altitude just going around the field house once. This evening we did read Dr. Faustus. My other wife was much taken with the idea of selling his soul. All during call to quarters he tried to contact Mephistopheles. When he failed he went to bed in a great pet, swearing that now out of spite he would reform.
Wednesday. I really do wonder what sort of beasts the Mess Hall gets its meat from. If the joints and haunches are any indication they are not of this world. Tonight I had to carve a leg of lamb that had four tibias and also seemed to have been insufficiently killed. I had just checked a strong break for freedom by clubbing it with a milk pitcher, when the O. C. passed by. With a look of pain in his eyes he stopped and advised me that instead of sticking the knife and fork in and prying I should try slicing it. He then passed on, shuddering.
"Clubbing it with the milk pitcher. . ."
Thursday. I am still on C. E. swimming and instead of gaining ground I am losing it. When the instructors were looking the other way I qualified in the crawl, but today somebody saw me trying it, and I have been sent back to the shallow end in disgrace. Tonight is Hundredth Night and I now feel that my life is complete.
Friday. My sane wife fell out of the top bunk again last night and is now in the hospital recovering from a large livid bruise on his lower hip. This is about the tenth time he has rolled the wrong way, and as I sleep in the lower bunk, it is very annoying.
Saturday. After the usual losing battle with the T. D. I went over to see my sane wife. He was happily practicing groans and thinks he is good for two days. He told me to bathe his best b‑plate in luke warm noxona every evening, so I left feeling much eased in mind as to his condition.
Sunday. Slept through dinner today. My other wife said I looked so peaceful he could not bear to wake me. There will be a casting up of account in our room tonight at taps.
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The Collected Works of Ducrot Pepys
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Page updated: 16 Aug 12